One Year and Three Days

One year and 3 days ago I shared this news with you. It was the moment that changed me forever. Looking back at that time...I wish I had never experienced it. One year later...I still can't say that I am glad I went through it, but by God's grace I am slowly starting to see His purpose.

At first I wasn't going to write anything about a year passing since it happened, but a lot of things have been coming up that prompted me to write a follow up. First was the fact that on Friday it was a year to the day since I miscarried. Then on Sunday, a couple shared their story of infertility and loss during our church sermon, yesterday afternoon I went to see The Help at our local discount theater and there was a scene about miscarriage that was hauntingly similar to mine, and I read of another loss on a blog I follow yesterday evening. All these things made me realize that I need to share about my life one year after loss.

I will be honest...Friday passed without me thinking of what had happened a year before. I felt guilt the next day when I realized I didn't remember the day before. My guilt turned to gratitude to God that He has brought me so far and healed my heart so much in the last year. I am so thankful that He never left me behind, even when I was angry and didn't want to follow Him on His path to peace.

The last year has been filled with pain, anger, peace, hopefulness, happiness, and contentment. All those things had to be relearned. I had to force myself to feel them at times. I also had to apologize to people that I had hurt either with my words or my actions. I wasn't the best friend at times and I am so grateful that people stuck by  my side and loved me even when I didn't love myself. I have also met new friends through this trial and I am so grateful for them ( you know who you are!).

I learned this weekend while sitting in church and hearing that couple's testimony of loss and pain that the underlying feelings of miscarriage are the same. There is so much loneliness, shame, anger, and sadness. While watching the movie yesterday I found it hard to breath while watching the dramatic scene where one of the characters is miscarrying. I felt like the only one in the theater watching in that moment. It wasn't just a clip of drama to add to a story...it was me. It was my story in an ER triage room one year ago. I was that girl feeling so much shame as nurses tried to clean me up and watching my mother's face as she stood there in shock...finally understanding what was happening to my body, my hopes, and my dreams. While reading that blog yesterday and hearing of one more woman going through what so many of us have experienced...my own experience felt so real all over again. I remember those first days and weeks when happiness felt out of reach and it seemed as if I would never be "normal" again. The feelings of loneliness were so overwhelming...I had never felt so low. I know people were trying to help when they said, "it will get better" but in the moment it seemed like it never would.

So I am here to say that it does get better. I am here one year later, different, but better. All I wanted was to go back to who I was before the miscarriage and it took me a year to realize I couldn't. I'm a different person now and that's OK. I am a better mother now, a better wife, and a better friend. We were blessed to experience the birth of our son last month, but I want to clarify that birth after loss does not fix what happened. They are two separate events. So many people think that once you get pregnant again or have a baby you are "fixed" and it doesn't work that way. I had to fully grieve and process my miscarriage in order to find healing.

So, that's me one year later. I hope sharing this has given at least one person hope.